I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
