One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
