He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I will be naked everywhere
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
