Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
