Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
