hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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