the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
