I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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