She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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