I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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