I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Randomize
