My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
