You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
