i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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