If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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