I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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