I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
My liver just had a heart attack.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Randomize
