You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
