We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
