Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
