I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
