Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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