that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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