he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
