Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
