I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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