Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
