Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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