im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
