there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
My vagina just clenched in fear
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
