Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
