I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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