Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
