I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
