some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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