I accidentally had phone sex last night
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
She's the barista slut.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
