I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
