I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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