I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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