so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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