i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
