Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
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