Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize