I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
