Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
