I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
