Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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