i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
