So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
