life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
