I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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