I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
