How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
