Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
