we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
