I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
