Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
